“Only half of me is there.”

Holly Bot knows what it means to build a life around prison walls.

She spent eight years incarcerated at Shakopee. Her husband, Corbyn, is serving a 30-year prison sentence. They have been together for seven years and married for three. They married in a ceremony at Stillwater prison.

Holly calls theirs an “inside outside marriage.” But she does not describe Corbyn as someone whose life is on hold until he comes home. To her, he is her husband, a father, a leader in their family, and someone who continues to give love, encouragement, and support – even from inside.

“Corbyn is amazing,” Holly says. “He’s an amazing husband, a great leader for our family.”

Building a Marriage Around Absence

Their marriage requires an extraordinary amount of intention.

Visiting can mean hours of driving for only a short time together. After the prison system moved Corbyn from Stillwater prison to Faribault prison a few years ago, Holly found a second home in Faribault so she could be closer to Corbyn. What had once been a long excursion became a roughly 15-minute drive.

The difference was enormous. But even being closer cannot give them back the ordinary moments that incarceration takes away.

In seven years together, Holly has never held his hand. She has never shared a meal with him. Until last year, she had never seen him moving through an ordinary social gathering, telling stories or laughing with other people.

The first time she saw that was at Corbyn’s graduation after he earned his associate degree.

“I didn’t want to leave,” she remembers. “It’s the first time I’d seen him walking around, talking to other people besides me…like a normal social gathering.”

She wanted to see him “in his element.” Not through a visitation window or on a phone call. Just being himself. She adds: “I can’t wait to see him celebrated and to enjoy his life and be able to do all of that with him.”

The Prison Follows You Home

For Holly, incarceration does not end when she leaves her visits with Corbyn in the prison.

Corbyn is with her everywhere.

“He is always with me in my mind,” she says. “Wherever I go, it’s subconscious. I wonder what he would think of this, or wouldn’t it be nice to hold his hand or stand next to him right now?”

That absence becomes especially painful during family gatherings.

“Every family gathering I go to, only half of me is there,” Holly says. “I feel like I can only half participate.”

Sometimes, she describes feeling like a ghost. Other people are together, sharing memories and conversations, while the person who should be beside her is somewhere else.

“I cannot wait until he, the other half of me, is with [me] and can fully participate.” 

That is what long-term incarceration can take from families: not only the big milestones, but the countless small moments that make up a life together.

Holly Bot’s Art

Choosing Connection

Holly also understands what it feels like to be the person inside.

During her own incarceration, she remembers calling people and wondering why no one answered. So she made herself a promise: when she was released, if she saw a call coming from prison, she would answer when she could.

She has kept that promise.

Holly visits Corbyn and other incarcerated people, including people who are not her family. She knows how quickly relationships can disappear when someone is incarcerated. She also knows that connection goes both ways.

“They give me as much or more than anything I’m giving them,” she says.

For Holly, maintaining these relationships is an act of love. It takes time, money, travel, patience, and persistence. 

And the system can make even that simple act of staying connected surprisingly difficult.

Sometimes, Corbyn will call and the prison phone system will disconnect them after only 20 seconds. He then has to wait before he can try again. Holly describes instances when they can spend an hour trying to connect without ever getting a real conversation. She will keep waiting, because she is committed to her husband. But she also recognizes what that kind of persistence demands.

“If this was just a friend from high school,” she says, “they are not going to be willing to go through all of that just for a casual relationship.”

For Holly, this is part of a larger problem. She worries about what happens to families when the rules and practices of incarceration make it harder and harder to maintain the relationships that sustain them. She points especially to fathers and husbands.

“It really does say that mothers are important and fathers are not necessary,” she says, reflecting on the differences she has seen between women’s and men’s prisons. At Shakopee, she remembers children being able to spend time with their mothers beyond the traditional visiting room—sharing meals, participating in Halloween celebrations, and making memories together. She has not seen the same kind of family-centered opportunities available to fathers in men’s prisons.

For Holly, the issue is bigger than her own marriage. Families are made up of everyone in them, and when one person is separated, everyone feels that absence. “Our communities are better when our families are strong,” she says. “And so includes every person in the family, not just some aspects of the family.”

Holding On to a Future

Holly and Corbyn refuse to reduce their marriage to survival.

They continue to build a relationship, even within circumstances designed to keep them apart. Corbyn talks with their children. Holly’s parents visit him. They encourage one another and imagine what their family might look like when they can finally share the same physical space.

But she also believes in what remains possible.

For Holly, loving someone through long-term incarceration means carrying him with her through the years he cannot physically be there. It means answering the phone. Making the drive. Visiting. 

It also means insisting that his role as a husband and father does not disappear because he is incarcerated.

And, always, imagining the day when she will no longer have to wait to share experiences with her husband – her “other half.” 

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You can view Holly’s website here. 

You can purchase her book “From Surviving to Living.” Her book has been featured on nationally syndicated and top-ranking podcasts, including:  Law Enforcement Talk Radio Show and The Art of Imperfect Adulting. Every time you buy a copy of “From Surviving to Living”, one additional copy is donated to a correctional facility or reentry program.

You can read our full interview transcript with Holly here

Link to Holly’s drawing of her son

You can purchase Holly’s artwork here

Holly’s TikTok link: https://www.tiktok.com/@hollybot.me

Holly’s YouTube link: https://youtube.com/@hollybot_podcast